Matt Goss
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What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments