2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
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Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Knock Knock
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?