Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
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I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Happy weekend !
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.