Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
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[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
sensitive skin
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?