Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
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[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
wow he looks just like him
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mouse
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.