10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I think they could have phrased this better
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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