My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
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6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.