*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
You Might Also Like
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing