You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
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My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
road rage
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦