DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
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Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love