My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
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I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later