I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
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My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.