Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.