My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
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*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I put the hot in psychotic.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.