I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
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It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?