Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
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I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
the #horror is real!
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.