“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
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I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.