some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
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I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?