Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
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My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.