me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
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*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t