There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
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That’s incredible! 👌
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.