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A dead goose is called a ghoost
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
We decided to have money instead of children.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores