Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
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Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips