The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
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I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR