that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
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me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
2022 will be better than 2021
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
time for some seasonal decor
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules