ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
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7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.