[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
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prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
my nickname in college
Happy Febuary everyone!
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.