Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
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Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.