“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
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Previously On Persistence 😎
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Education is vital