My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
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You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex