12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
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Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*