The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
You Might Also Like
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I hope they boil the right one.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence