people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
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Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then