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If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.