Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
You Might Also Like
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.