Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
You Might Also Like
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD