VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
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Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Mornin
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Comparing yourself to others
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
there’s probably a fee though
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.