Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
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The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Never be a pizza!
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.