The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
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If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
going to the ER y’all need anything
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.