Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
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I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!