French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
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If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.