😲 WTF? 😆
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Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?