My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
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“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
🤣🤣🤣
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one