Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
You Might Also Like
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him