Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
You Might Also Like
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport