You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
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Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank