Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
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Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
🍛
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Meow?
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!