On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
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Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
When they try to steal your moment.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Butt weight. There’s more!
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I have a new favorite meme page
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.