It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
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media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
getting corrected
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day