Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
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me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Wednesday
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze